TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally from area. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Indeed, sure, let us have One more spot where American Adult men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer you everyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a Trump Tower Damascus tower within a war zone. It truly is that he need to quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head obvious from Place, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting notice from Global investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will likely include things like:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD might have change-down support."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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